Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.