Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.