Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar