@TheReal_AndyMac

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

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@eminmien

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

@MikeShor

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

@_steamy_mac

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@Maxine12333

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

@Kayditty

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block

@AverageCorners

I wasn’t kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.

@StorvLovesYou

Toddler: “I always feel safe with you.”

Me, proud daddy: *turns to see she’s talking to a stuffed bunny, a fake flower, and a toy star*

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?