Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.