Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.