@kumailn

Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

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@pixelatedboat

New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

@dafloydsta

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

@3sunzzz

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

@myonlymizztake

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

@ahamedweinberg

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

@panmidwest

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@andylassner

If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.

@AlyssaDiSalle

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

@JohnLyonTweets

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise