Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

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New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds


Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.


I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.


His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”


2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.


me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl


If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.


Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”


“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise