Every time.
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
That lamp looks PISSED.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.