Every time.
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the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God