every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
The glockness monster
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I basically called this earlier today
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶