Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

This forever.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?