Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
good let them take over I have had enough
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud