Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

Google Pay be like:

I’m ready to try another planet.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.