Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner