Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Limited budget
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
This is true.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?