Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.