every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
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I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I unironically love this joke.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful