Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.