Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
peep davidson
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.