Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When news reporters do sports stories
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
