Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.