Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.