Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Hell yeah 👍
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I can also cook 😂
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting