Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight