every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
my proudest tweet
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.