Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
