Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
