Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”