Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn what did I do next

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

the icebreaker

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?