Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Have kids, they said
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl