Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?