Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.