Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.