Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.