Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
How did we not see this back then?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
incredible
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry