Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Admin smashed it 😂

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?