Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Sheep

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

This billboard speaks to me

I did not eat the cake…

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

classic mixup

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works