Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my retirement plan is braless

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.