Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Anyone really
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…