Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I have so many questions.
