Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
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8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years