Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Mistakes were made
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.