Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Yes

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..