Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that