Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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uncle dave has been through hell
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.