Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Windchimes
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Dumplings,
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
me before I type out affect or effect
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.