Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Yup
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Let’s Go
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline