Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I think about this a lot
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.