Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel