Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*