Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours