Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?