Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread