Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees