Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
She: I like Cats
He:
Spotted in the wild
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–