Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls