Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
You Might Also Like
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns