Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Aw man, but that’s the best part
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
