Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom