Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.