Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

😂😂

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

*watches the world burn*

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it