Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.