Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
john wicks are toilet candles
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy