Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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Netflix and you sit over there.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows