Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]