Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

I have so many questions.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!