Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.