Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
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There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this