Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.