Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
constantly working on myself.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned