[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner