Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
