Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”